I have a list of twenty places to apply to, it's six degrees below, the decaf is freshly brewed, and I can't move from this desk until I have all the letters and CVs ready.
I'm so sick of this--the way I pounce on the mail when I walk in the door, the obsessiveness with which I check my e-mail five times a day. I'm sick of working on freelance stuff every free minute because I want that to turn into something real, and I'm tired of coveting servers at the local brew pub because I miss serving, and I hate that every other night I surf job postings and run down the checklist: yes, could talk my way into that, no PhD, hmmm, do I really want to live in Plano?
I guess it's all I can do, right? Keep doing the right things, and try to take the long view, and have faith that one day it will all fall into place. Quit thinking of things in terms of semesters and months and try to shift that frame of reference to years.
This Friday, my best-Madison-friend N got the letter: she's been accepted into the program at Milwaukee. I'm so happy for her. I'm also so jealous that she knows where she's going. I thought I did. I thought things were okay, and maybe for a while they were, and I was giving everything--Madison, and the job--my best shot. Now I feel so overwhelmed by all of this, and by the waiting--all I do right now is wait for people to get back to me. All I keep doing is plodding forward, losing myself in applications and manuscripts and letters. Maybe I just need to turn into a little writing robot, keep stacking up acceptances and waiting by the mailbox, keep trying not to turn to a steady diet of uppers and downers and Parliments and cookies, keep medicating the symptoms of all this unhappiness (auras and migraines and panic attacks) and keep believing that spring, and something bigger than this, is just around the corner.
I knew this year was going to be hard. But I never dreamed it would be this hard.
Ah, kid. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeletePlease don't become a robot. Even if that video of you from Atlanta last year is humorous and drunken-inspired, I just don't think that's you.
Remember when we used to long for free time and now all that free time we have is just spent thinking about where things are going? When it's just spent online looking and looking for the right thing, and then getting excited about "potentials" and "maybes" and waiting and waiting for fucking mail and phone calls.
I know this isn't making you feel any better, but know I'm here with you. It's cold here, too cold to think, move. Too cold, almost, to even hope.
I love ya, I'm thinking of ya. And you deserve good things and they will come soon. We're just not the kind to settle for the crap. Someday, we'll realize what a fucking awesome quality that is, but right now it's--I don't know. It's eating the lining of our stomachs and making us sick.
Let's get shit-faced. I miss you.
Oh dears—both of you—how I hope for everything to just become brighter. I fear I'm in the same boat. At least now it's more of a row boat bumping along the shoreline and not a kayak on rapids.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell am I talking about? I don't know, but I sure wish it was warm enough to be in a boat, sipping drinks with tiny umbrellas. And olives.
PS. Milwaukee has an MFA?
Hey. I'm not even gonna start my own complaining. Instead, I'm going to simply say this and then shut the fuck up:
ReplyDeleteThis is what life does. It constantly hands you shit. We're all still dealing with shit from the past on top of the heaping pile of crap from today and you just know that there's more shit just lurking around the corner. It's everywhere! It's on the radio, on the TV, in your mailbox each and every day (except Sunday--Thank God!); it's in line ahead of you in the supermarket with 24 items when clearly the sign said under 12. But it's how you handle it that matters the most. That's the lesson I've been trying to learn so far this year. I haven't always been successful, but I've apologized for my weak moments.
Don't despair and don't halt your pursuit of Happiness. You're destined for great things, as all talented people are. However, we can't allow ourselves to be so focused on getting what we don't have that we forget to appreciate that which we already do have.
I'll find myself at a point of frustration where I'm just ready to chuck the whole teaching gig and go get some mindless job somewhere. I'll question what the fuck I was thinking when I first signed on for this career. I wanted to inspire and touch lives and make my corner of the world a little bit better than how I found it, but much of the time I feel like I'm getting buried in red tape and apathetic pupils.
But then, like clockwork something will happen. I'll receive some kind of sign. A truly good student will compliment me for no reason. A student that has done nothing but give me grief all year will, for no explicable reason, actually complete an assignment. Or, I'll stumble across a quote that will right my mindset and motivate me to soldier on. They're out there. You just have to be on the look out for them.
Today, I was on the elliptical machine....making up for a missed day earlier in the week and I'm staring at one of the myriad TV screens mounted on the wall in front of me. I'd been focusing on the videos since they were far more entertaining than the news. A video came on for a Nickelback's "If Everyone Cared" Anyway, the video showed snippets of past events where one person made a difference in the lives of others. It ended with a quote that I really need to put up in my room.
"A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed it's the only thing that ever has."
--Margaret Mead
When I saw that quote I instantly thought of the cadre of folks gathered around the firepit at the Highland House after celebrating Blue's birthday. I remember thinking how awesome it was to be surrounded by people that were truly creative and inspiring.
Don't allow yourself to get discouraged. Hold close that which you already have and struggle onward. Just remember to wear the right attire for wading through all the shit that's waiting for you tomorrow.
This is me, shutting the fuck up now.