Law and Order: McDonald's edition, or, hey guess what: everyone has been raped

Last night I dreamt that they opened a McDonald's on the other side of town, but not just any McDonald's. It was a Law and Order McDonald's. The decor was all Lennie Briscoe and Adam Schiff, and there were life-sized cutouts of Jesse L. Martin in the lobby. The lines were enormous, and for some reason it took nearly an hour to get your food, but as you stood in line you could watch old episodes on televisions, and at some point I remember successfully bargaining with the counter employee and leaving with my very own cardboard Detective Green and a sack of cheeseburgers.

I do remember that at another point in the dream, someone asked why a Law and Order McDonald's would ever open, and I was all like, there are tons of themed McDonald's, like that Packers one in GB or that zoo one in Dallas, which, incidentally, I found "quite amusing and cute"!

Seriously. A L&O McDonald's would be amazing, though we would have to forgo the L&O: Criminal Intent version, since it would just consist of Vincent D'Onofrio wandering around and getting in your face while you were trying to eat. And of course we can skip the L&O: SVU version for sure, since--and I hope I'm not ruining the ending of any episodes for you here--it would be revealed in time that EVERYONE HAS BEEN RAPED. Sometimes it takes a while, and the clock is running out, and some characters have actually been tried and convicted, but if you're watching an episode and no one has revealed their sexual trauma yet, don't worry. Sometimes they wait until the very last minute, but I promise you, it will be revealed. And when it is, Eliot Stabler is going to punch something.

Ha ha, though of course if there were a Special Victims Unit McD's, the Ice-T/sweet tea ads basically write themselves! Let us skip the Coco/cocoa ads, however. That woman is terrifying.

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I wish I had a cardboard cutout of Lennie Briscoe in my house. I would put him in the dining room and he could help me make important decisions: What do you think of these pants, Lennie? I'd say, and he'd just look at me. I know, I would say, putting the pants back in the closet. They work in theory, although you're right--I just don't own any shirts that are good with them. Or I would be sitting on the couch, thinking that I didn't really want to go work out, and then I'd catch a glimspe of Lennie with his arms crossed, and I'd nod and go lace up my running shoes.

It would have to be that Lennie, though--the firm, oddly gentle-but-stern-all-at-the-same-time Lennie. The one whose cocked eyebrow says, I think we both know the answer to that question. This Lennie would just be a little too weird, though I could always hide him in the tub before guests came over for dinner. As they used the facilities, they'd feel as if someone was watching them, and then they'd pull back the shower curtain--feeling very silly as they did, because of course no one is hiding in the tub listening to them pee, don't be ridiculous, that's just creepy and strange, but if it makes them feel better, then sure, pull back the curtain a little bit and see there's just some Suave and a few old razors in there--and then they'd see Lennie peeking his head out and looking sort of disgusted, and they would scream and scream and maybe stagger back out of the bathroom, at which point I could stick my head in the doorway and say something very just-found-the-dead-body Lennie: Geez, some people will do anything to get out of washing their hands! and then we'd cue the DA-DUMs and dance around to the theme song. And you know, nobody would stick around for very long, but having friends was fun while it lasted.