the return of Miss Christina

Once upon a time, a bunch of us worked marginally fulfilling jobs that required some of us of to ride the Minneapolis city bus all day, and others of us to sit in a cube rotting away. This led, on one inspired December morning, to the spontaneous invention of an advice column called "Miss Christina," in which I answered e-mails that were mostly about sharks.

No, really, they were. I have no idea why it is that we were all talkin' about sharks two years ago this month. But I think the real question is, Why aren't we still talkin' about sharks.

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So Miss Christina was born. And that first column went a little something like this :

Dear Miss Christina,

My friend Liz says that sharks don't sleep because they need to constantly move to get water through their gills. Is this true? Is this why sharks are so angry all the time?

Yours,
Concerned Shark Lover


Dear Concerned Shark Lover:

You’re both right ... sort of! Sharks don’t sleep in the sense that humans do. There’s no eyeshades or warm milk, and there’s certainly no bed or an alarm clock. But it is hypothesized that sharks enter a relaxed state. Their eyes are still open, and your friend Liz is correct in that the shark must move a little to keep water in its gills.

Some sharks, such as the nurse shark, have actually developed a complicated set of spiracles that move water across the gills for them, so they can enter a restful, stationary state. Now if only we could do the same!

Yours,
Miss Christina
p.s. As for sharks being angry all the time, it’s thought that their extreme crankiness stems from horrible, searing hot, uncontrollable diarrhea. Yuck!

Got a question that stems from you and your roommate talkin’ shit to each other on the morning bus? Ask Miss Christina!


Dear "Miss" Christina,

I am writing in response to your posting dated Dec 14, 2007, 9:24 AM, in which you answered a "very" important shark question. I was disturbed by the cavalier manner in which you replied, as the Bible "clearly" states that Sharks are God's chosen sea creature and the guardians of Israel.

As you will find in Psalm 121:4, Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. This explains why sharks are constantly moving: they are the protectors of the faithful, warriors of the sea. Your reader's assumption that sharks are angry all the time is her misunderstanding of their protective nature.

If I may quote the Reverend W, "noted" Shark scholar, Their immovable gills are only the physical manifestation of the true purpose of these magnificent beings. Sharks' lack of sleep is not a mistake. It is the Lord's "supreme" will and part of His "master plan", and by joking about this, you are demeaning not only sharks but yourself as well. I pray that you will "see" your error and print a retraction.

Yours in Christ,
A Disgruntled Sharkist.


Dear Disgruntled Sharkist:

While your argument is clearly thought out (how much time do you have on your hands, anyway?), I do believe you are mistaken. You state that "sharks are God's chosen sea creature and the guardians of Israel."

But in 2004 alone, there were a reported thirty-eight shark attacks off the West Bank. Why would God's chosen sea creature attack God's chosen people? The answer: sharks are not God's sea creature.

No.

Sea lions are.

If a fish is an average person, and a shark is Dr. Phil, sea lions are the John Belushi of the sea. They're fat. They're funny. They have whiskers. And they smell like fish. God loves these chubby, charming mammals, and He smiles upon them.

As we all should.

Sincerely,
Miss Christina


Wondering what smells worse, a sea lion or a very deceased John Belushi? Ask Miss Christina!


Dear Miss Christina,

Since you responded to my last letter with such eagerness and knowledge, I have another very important question for you. Yesterday on the bus, my friend Liz and I noticed that a mysterious graffiti artist had taken a black sharpie and drawn an amazing outline of a shark, with gills and a fin and pointy teeth and everything! I found this not only to be an amazing coincidence, but also very inspirational.

Then, last night, I had a dream that my friend G had taken a piece of notebook paper and drawn a shark on it and taped it to my front door. This seems to me to be a sign. I feel that God is telling me to somehow send the message of sharks!

So, I guess my question is, do you know of other ways that I could promote sharks in my community? The dream I had last night made me think that my new shark campaign could consist of me drawing pictures of sharks, taping them to neighbors' doors, ringing doorbells, waiting until the neighbor answers, and then screaming: YOU GOT SHARKED! when they look at the picture.

Do you think "You Got Sharked!" is a good way to get people in my community excited about the amazingness of sharks? As always, thank you for your inspirational words. It's just that I care so much about sharks.

Yours in Christ,
A Concerned Shark Lover


Dear Concerned Shark Lover:

Still stuck on sharks, huh? Completely understandable! They have big teeth and are distant cousins of dinosaurs.

The “You Got Sharked” campaign is a good idea ... if you’re a ten-year-old boy! Psych! This idea smacks of unprofessionalism. Ever hear of “ding dong ditch”? That’s what you’re suggesting. Or worse yet, the ol’ “flamin’ bag of poo” trick. Spreading the word of sharks will require a little more forethought, preparation, and yes, expense than your average prepubescent douche bag.

First, gather as much money as you can. If there were ever a case of go big or go home, this is it! Don’t be afraid to steal any funds. Since God is a shark, He will understand completely. I’d dare say you are going to earn yourself a fucking throne in Shark Heaven for this one ... if you do it right.

Next, buy as many guns as you can. It will be necessary for you to arm yourself in the next steps. At the same time, try to recruit as many people as possible. You are building a militia, which is completely sanctioned by the Constitution. You may consider using a small portion of your funds to woo people to your army, but a better idea is to convince fellow sharkists to join. You want a special brand of crazy, too: think Waco cult. Think “Fight Club.” Not only do fellow sharkists work for free, their rabid fanaticism means that they’re far less likely to concern themselves with the number of laws they’re breaking in spreading the work of the shark. And yeah. You’re going to break a few laws here. Just a few. But don’t worry—they’re only U.S. laws, not shark laws.

It will beneficial to your mission later if you happen upon a few Sharkists working in the U.S. military. See what you can do.

Next step: use your newly founded (and armed) militia and secure a large number of container trucks. Once you have your truck fleet assembled, liberate as many sharks as you can. This will entail raiding Sea Worlds, the Mall of America aquarium, and as many captive sharks as possible. The exception will be the centrally located Cleveland Sea World, which you will storm and capture. It will serve as your new headquarters. The trucks, obviously, are what you and your army will use to transport the sharks to Cleveland. For the time being, it will be acceptable to store the sharks in tanks together. Normally sharks would attack each other in cramped quarters, but you will sing them your plan, and your song will soothe their savage breasts. They will refrain from hurting each other.

Once your sharks are assembled, Operation Shark begins in earnest. I don’t need to tell you that at this point speed is of the essence, since your so-called illegal activities will be under much scrutiny of the government. (But not God--because remember, He’s a shark.) What you now need to do is steal transport planes and helicopters. The best source will be the U.S. military—this is where you Sharkist contacts will assist you greatly. Load the sharks onto the planes and spread out so that all your cargo planes, filled with sharks, are in the air spaced evenly over the continental U.S.

Some sharks will not survive the flight. Take those sharks and cut them into tiny little pieces, then blend them to make a thick slurry. Hold this slurry in reserve in barrels on the cargo planes.

Then, at your signal, push the sharks out of the planes.

Ding dong, here come the sharks! Sharks will rain from the sky! They’ll clog traffic on Omaha freeways and crush rooftops in Seattle. They’ll land on schoolchildren in Boston and destroy markets in Chicago. The sky will brim with sharks, big heavy sharks falling to their glorious deaths with jaws snapping. The sharks will be frightened, in part because they will be falling from a great height, but also because your song lied to them! This will cause them to enter a heightened state of agitation, so they’ll fall with their teeth bared and tails thumping. The damage will be multiplied! What’s more, the sharks that do land and live will attack people in the streets. There will be much blood! And teeth!

While the country reels, dump the slurry barrels.

Talk about getting sharked: the U.S. won’t know what hit it! And what better way to spread the glorious word of the shark that to ensure that every single person is displaced by, or covered with, shark! What the shark bodies won’t hit, the slurry will! The U.S. will be aswim in glorious shark goo.

And you, my shark-loving friend, will have spread the word. God will smile down upon you and your people, and your place in [Shark] Heaven will be assured. Hope this helps!

Yours in Shark,
Miss Christina


Want to spend a bunch of time formulating half-crocked shark conspiracy theories that are also sort of offensive to anyone who follows an organized sect of Christianity? Of course you do! ASK MISS CHRISTINA.


Dear Miss Christina:

I am a part-time filing clerk, but my friend Jean is a professor! I was riding the city bus with her when we encountered a question. We immediately thought of your column! So here's the question: You know Cliff Tracts (or whatever), those cartoon Bible verses? What if you picked a really ridiculous one--something very offensive that no one could possibly believe in, like one that says that AIDS is God's answer to homosexuality--and brought it into class as an exercise in argument? The students would have to be completely objective while looking at the logical fallacies, evidence (or lack thereof), and construction of the argument. This could also work for a discussion of the rhetorical triangle. So our real question is this: If we did this, what are the odds that a student would feel insulted, report us, and get us fired? Thank you for answering our pressing bus-related questions!

Sincerely,
Liz


Dear Liz:

Cliff Tracts? What the hell are you talking about?

Sincerely,
Miss Christina
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As I write this, it's been a long day of last classes and inventing my own iGoogle theme, I mean, grading journals. It's also been two years since Miss Christina, and that is about one and one-half years TOO FUCKING LONG.

Thus I officially announce the triumphant return of Miss Christina. Got a question that somehow involves animals? Ask away! Think there's more to say about sharks? You're probably right! Want me to spent my office hours flipping through Wikipedia instead of deciding between Gmail theme "Tea House" and Gmail theme "Sleek," I mean, holding conferences? Wow! Me too!

So leave your burning questions for Miss Christina in the comments section and I'll spend the last two weeks of the semester ignoring real work. Then Miss Christina will rear her pretty head once more. It will be my Christmas present to you, which works out well for both of us. Seeing as how I'm not actually buying you one.