current daydreams, in no particular order:

1. I walk into “The Ace of Cakes” shop in Baltimore and convince the head guy to fire everyone who annoys me, which is most of the staff, especially the receptionist with the baby bangs, that guy who talks really slowly and the chick who always laughs at her own jokes. I don’t have experience working with fondant, but Duff takes me on anyway because he agrees with my assessment we need to be pushing ourselves harder to do more astounding things with icing. I work developing a frosting that is 98% butter cream, delicious yet malleable and I spend my days blasting Crooked Fingers bootlegs and sculpting frosting monkeys.

2. I baby-sit forty puppies on a farm in Kentucky. We spend the mornings walking around a field looking at bugs, pebbles and old poops. It is always spring in this particular acre of Kentucky, so our view is of blue rolling hills, stately red brick Georgian houses and blooming dogwoods. Sometimes I show the puppies how to swim in a cool little spring-fed pond; other days I read aloud Mark Richard stories to them until they are sleepy. I am always stylishly dressed in J. Crew cords, but my clothes never get grass stains or shit on them. The puppies never chew on my iPod headphone cable, either. At the end of the day I walk them back to their puppy barn, where they promptly fall asleep in sweet hay and stay exactly in that position until the next morning when I come back.

3. I design book covers for a big-time publishing house in downtown Chicago. Although my working budget is nearly unlimited and the 38^th-floor office teems with people, I have a quiet corner office stocked with low-wattage reading lamps, a red velvet couch and a huge desk. It is widely understood in my company that I am “creative” and prefer to work undisturbed, though when I do leave my office for coffee or lunch I make friendly chat with my colleagues, who are fine people. I spend my days reading books and then designing covers that are not only attractive but also subtly echo the content of the book. I do work with two graduate student interns, both excellent writers, with whom I get along with famously, and we spend weeks of the year traveling to design expos and gathering free samples of paper. All my book covers feature French flaps and matte finishes, but nobody ever complains.

4. I am a bathroom investigator for hire. Office workers, college students and other people who enjoy a relaxing poop on the clock contact me to find the best bathroom within walking distance of their workplace. I rate bathrooms based on privacy, acoustics, the number of little shelves available for current reading, and overall appearance. My clients are rarely disappointed with my recommendations, and I’m well-renowned for finding a secret bathroom one floor up with jasmine-scented hand soap and complimentary hairspray. I am paid for my travel duties and I never reveal my findings to anyone but my client, ensuring their continued privacy with their chosen bathroom.

I also give special women-only Webinars on how to smuggle reading material discreetly into a bathroom without having to walk by your boss’ desk with your purse every day, lest he think you’re constantly on the rag, which, come to think of it, would probably explain a lot.

5. I sit on the Judge’s Panel on “Top Chef”, but my only real duty is to tell Gail Simmons to shut the fuck up when she tries to speak.