ME
Ugh. Time to get up.
(pokes MY BRAIN.)
Hey. Time to get up.
MY BRAIN
Don't wanna.
ME
No. We have to get up. Plus, it's just conferences this week. You don't even have to dress up.
MY BRAIN
Well, I don't want to shower.
ME
Grown-ups take showers. Get in the shower. We have twenty minutes. Let's go.
MY BRAIN
FINE BUT I WON'T LIKE IT YOU'RE STUPID SHOWERING IS STUPID.SCENE: Campus, office. Early morning.
MY BRAIN
This outfit is bad. It looks stupid. Let's go home and change.
ME
No. Your outfit is fine. It's just student conferences.
MY BRAIN
BUT WHY WILL THEY TALK TO ME IF I'M WEARING THESE SHOES THESE SHOES ARE SO STUPID.
ME
No student will look at your shoes. Stop making up reasons to fail at life.
MY BRAIN
FINE BUT I'M NOT GONNA DO WORK BEFORE THE FIRST CONFERENCE I'M GOING TO READ NEWSPAPER ARTICLES ONLINE.
ME
Fine. Do whatever you like.
(twenty minutes pass)
MY BRAIN
Let's go next door and get French toast sticks!
ME
You don't need French toast sticks. They cost money and are bad for you. Eat these almonds instead.
MY BRAIN
FINE BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW I HATE YOU.
ME
(sighs)
SCENE: Campus, office. Lunchtime.
ME
Lunchtime!
MY BRAIN
Lunch is stupid. Everything you make tastes stupid.
ME
Well, we spent ten dollars on sweet potatoes and kale at the grocery store on Saturday. We're eating this.
MY BRAIN
LET'S GO TO THE CAFE WE CAN ORDER TACO SALAD AND WATCH THE TURTLES.
ME
Nope. Taco salad costs money. Plus, it's not really a salad.
MY BRAIN
PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE.
ME
Nope.
MY BRAIN
PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE.
ME
Nope.
MY BRAIN
Fine. You'll regret this.SCENE: Campus, office. Midafternoon. STUDENT has just exited office.
ME
What the fuck was that?
MY BRAIN
(acting nonchalant)
What? What are you talking about?
ME
You know what I'm talking about. There was like, a good ten-second pause in the middle of that explanation on why outlines and topic sentences matter! We looked like a moron!
MY BRAIN
Well, maybe I wanted taco salad for lunch.
ME
YOU CAN'T BE WITHHOLDING THE POWER OF SPEECH JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET WHAT YOU WANTED FOR LUNCH. YOU ARE NOT A CHILD. ADULTS SOMETIMES HAVE TO EAT CRAPPY LEFTOVERS THEY MICROWAVE IN TUPPERWARE CONTAINERS BECAUSE IT IS COST-EFFICIENT AND HEALTHIER THAN EATING CRAP ALL DAY LONG.
MY BRAIN
... I still hate these shoes, too. Don't think I forgot.
ME
(dumbfounded)
MY BRAIN
Everybody is staring at them because they look stupid.SCENE: Campus, office. Early evening.
ME
That's twenty conferences. I'm tired. Let's go home.
MY BRAIN
Yes! Finally. Let's go for Mexican food on the way home.
ME
No. No. How are you not getting this? The car is making a funny noise. We haven't gone running all week. There are perfectly fine things at home to eat. We are going home, and we are unloading the dishwasher, and we are going to tidy up the house because somebody left it a mess this morning since they woke up with exactly twenty-five minutes to get to work, and then we will read a book and go to bed.
MY BRAIN
YEAH! YEAH LET'S EAT MEXICAN FOOD!!!!! ENCHILAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAS AND CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPS. THEN LET'S PUT ON SWEATPANTS AND WATCH THE BLUES BROTHERS. AGAIN.
ME
(exhausted)
Compromise. What if we eat food at home, but we watch three hours of Law and Order while half-heartedly reading discussion boards?
MY BRAIN
86 message boards, sub looking at the Internet.
ME
Fine. No work. Just television.
MY BRAIN
(skips to the car)
La la la! I love you! Let's go home!
ME
(mutters under breath)
... These shoes are so fucking stupid.
(mutters under breath)
THIS IS AMAZING!
ReplyDeleteI had that exact same exchange with my brain today over running and dinner. My brain was all: let's not go running today. Let's stay in and order a pizza and watch a movie.
And I was all: dude, we have to go running if we want to keep that boy we like, and we are going to find something in the fridge and make it for dinner. And we have to grade papers tonight. That's why we didn't go to Green Bay.
And my brain was like: FUCK OFF. But we're going to go buy a brick of cheese and eat it.
Me: No, we're not going to eat AN ENTIRE BRICK OF CHEESE.
Anyway, I ended up going running, eating chicken noodle soup and toast, and watching TV instead of grading. Gotta love the compromise. Gotta love the "86/sub." Gotta love Christina.
(Seriously, this is brilliant. Get this shit in Volume 4.)
Would it surprise you IN THE LEAST that after I wrote this I went for Mexican food? Also, I giggled for like twenty minutes. You know, at my own jokes.
ReplyDelete... what is this Volume 4.
Yaaaaaaay! I got my wish!!
ReplyDeleteAdditionally: this is amazing.
ReplyDeleteJean, do you mean The Best CNF, Volume 4? Because, if so, HELLOOOOOOO TOTALLY.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you're going to see 5 (now 6) comments on this post, get excited, and then realize 3 (now 4) of them are from me.
ReplyDeleteoh, no sweat. Since I have email comment notifications enabled, I ALSO thought I had five emails, too!
ReplyDeleteOf course I mean best of CNF Volume 4! I mean, she's already in volume 3.
ReplyDeleteI want Mexican food right now. I want Chad to bring it to me, wearing only a sombrero.
Next summer, we shall all make this into a short film, enter it into contests, and drink beer at the awards ceremonies while making fun of other entries. Then we will make guacamole and eat cheeeeps!
ReplyDeleteLizard